Another attempt at an introduction

When I wrote my first post, it had taken an almighty emotional meltdown on a particularly shitty day in early 2016 to remind me how much I love to write. I was coming to the end of my maternity leave, and I couldn't have told you why I was feeling so low. I was just anxious and sad, and I felt guilty for being anxious and sad, and that’s all I knew. So one day, during my baby’s nap time, I left my mountain of chores, made myself a cuppa, picked up the iPad and began to type. Thoughts I couldn’t make sense of just poured out of me. It was nothing ground-breaking, no exciting declarations about the meaning of life, just my own personal musings, and me trying to make sense of why I was feeling low. And when I had finished typing/could no longer see through my hormonal tears, something pretty unexpected happened... I felt overwhelming relief. Not completely better - just calmer and generally more together. I had found somewhere to channel the thoughts and fears which I had previously allowed to manifest inside my head, and which had grown into deep routed anxiety. I considered starting a blog at the time. I thought about it and then panicked at the thought of sharing this side of me with anyone besides my fiance. I didn't really understand why the idea of publishing my ramblings caused me to panic, perhaps in part because I have a gorgeous baby and a truly supportive partner, and I felt horrible for being sad with so much to be grateful for. But I did feel sad. And now seven months after that first attempt at blogging, since my baby has become a toddler, and I’ve become a wife and a working mum, I think I have found some clarity on the reasons why. So here it is...

I had lost my identity. Yes, it may sound dramatic and I even feel silly for saying it, but that’s my truth. It’s now dawned on me that I had become shy and socially awkward because I didn't really know who I was anymore outside of being a new mum. I had let go of any hobbies or interests I once had without even realising it was happening, and dreaded any situation where somebody might ask what music I like, or what I enjoy doing for fun. Coming to think of it, a part of me has always struggled to put myself out there when it comes to who I am. I’ve always been the annoying person that answers ‘I don’t mind’ when asked for my input on things like which restaurant to eat at, or what colour wine to drink - mostly because usually I genuinely don’t mind. But it’s become much more than that recently; I’ve been adapting to fit with other people’s opinions and personalities because I felt like I didn’t have anything to offer any more. I was becoming boring.

And so I've decided what I want to write about. This won’t be solely a ‘mum-blog’, purely about the trials and tribulations of motherhood. I love being a mum - I’m no ‘Earth-mother’ or ‘mumsy-mum’ by any stretch of the imagination - but I’m a home bird at heart and my true happiness really does come from my cheeky toddler and lovely husband (husband! I can’t get used to how grown up that sounds yet!). So no doubt a lot of my posts will feature our little family. However, I've made the decision to make this about me. As selfish as it might sound, I need to take some time for myself to make me a happier and healthier person, wife and Mummy. I want to discover new things, develop some of my own interests, and then write about them. Even if I’m the only one to ever read this, I’m excited about my new project.

S x

Ps Dan, I realise you will also probably have read this in secret before I’ve decided whether or not to make it public, and I hope you understand how much you’ve helped me find the strength to start writing x