There's something about autumn

Whenever I’m asked to think about my favourite season, my response is always the same. No thinking required; it’s summer. I am, in the words of my hubby, a ‘chilly morsel’ and, as he quite eloquently puts it, my ‘skin falls off in the winter’. The cold just isn’t for me. Barbeques, Sunday drinks outdoors, family holidays to our favourite beach, long warm summer nights, the 4 o’clock sun in my in-law’s garden - the list of reasons why I love summer really is endless. Winter exposes my futile immune system and turns my skin into that of an 80-year-old, and, besides bringing out some of my most favourite flowers and pretty pastel shades, spring generally passes me by without too much thought. It has always been about summer. That was, until the last few weeks, when, the thing is, I’ve kind of been swept off my feet by Autumn…

I know, I feel like I’m cheating on summer. Maybe we’ve grown apart, maybe summer didn’t live up to expectations and didn’t turn out to be what I thought it was. Maybe, through becoming more in tune with myself, I’ve discovered that autumn has always secretly set my soul on fire. I don’t know whether it’s the chilly mornings followed by blue-sky sunny days, the warmth of the autumnal tones in the leaves lining the streets, feeling cosy in bobble hats and chunky scarves, the pretty pink dusky skies which fade into long dark evenings and stir excitement about closing the blinds and snuggling up under a blanket. I don’t know whether I’m noticing these things now because I’m more alert, more mindful, finding appreciation in simpler things, or maybe because I just feel so much better, and my outlook is more positive. Whatever the reason, I’ve found myself walking along taking in my day-to-day surroundings and just smiling, embracing the presence of a quiet and contented feeling. On one such pink-sky evening last week, it dawned on me that in that moment my current truth behind the smile had no agenda. It had no hidden meaning, and no feeling of struggle or deception. It's a feeling which comes more regularly now, always unexpectedly and effortlessly; I’m smiling because I feel happy.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have my bad days. I have days where I JUST DON’T WANT TO TALK TO ANYONE, but in reality, who doesn’t? In much the same way as any other human, I am very much a work in progress, and I feel comfortable with that. I’ve taken time this year to put my energy into discovering what makes me feel good, finding things I enjoy that help me feel like the best version of myself. And along the way, I’ve found confidence in myself again. I like doing yoga, writing, drinking wine, and making home improvements. I like that I keep my circle close, and the people I choose to spend time with are truly the best humans I know. I love being a mum, a wife, having my family around me, and feeling comfortable with people who understand that I will lose the plot if I can’t exercise and eat at regular intervals, that I shouldn’t be trusted with expensive glasses or crockery, and people who know that I will wait for wine to be given as an option when I’m offered a drink. I know that the thought of meeting new people and making small talk still gives me cold sweats, but I’m starting to feel less doubt about what I can bring to the table. If someone really wants to ask what type of music I like, which by the way is a terrible question, I will tell them a long boring list if they really want to know. I like acoustic guitar, raw soulful voices, dirty old school garage, sometimes I put on mellow magic and have a good cry, and sometimes I play NWA and get shit done. Cheesy pop is probably my biggest guilty pleasure, but if you’re offering up some reggae I’ll never say no. Is anyone still listening? Does it really matter to anyone? Can’t you just ask me what my biggest pet hate is, what my most embarrassing moment has been, whether I did a poo when I was in labour? Can we get straight to the funny inappropriate stuff and skip the awkward chit-chat? If the answer is yes, perhaps I’ve found a new friend. And by the way, a) it’s the incorrect use of ‘your and you’re’, b) this week it was wetting myself in Homebase, and c) yes, I did, shortly after being sick and once my waters had broken all over Dan’s feet.

I’ve digressed in a big way, but I think what I’m trying to get at is that I feel more confident about who I am today than I think I ever have. I really think I needed to struggle to appreciate that, to force me into making time to work on myself. Perhaps autumn really is particularly beautiful this year, or perhaps I’m just looking at it from a new perspective. Maybe I’m getting more sentimental now that I’ve hit my thirties, or maybe I underestimated the profound effect de-cluttering my life would have on me. Whatever it may be, I’m just feeling excited to be enjoying being me in the present.

S x