An accidental essay

It has taken me ages to finish this post. Ages! Partly because I don’t often get much quiet time to write, besides when I’m [aggressive] lucky enough to get a seat on the morning commute, but mostly because I had asked some of my closest friends for their input on this one, which meant I’ve placed a lot more pressure on myself to do it justice. And by doing it justice, I think I just mean that I really want them to enjoy it. Although, judging by this rambling introduction, I’m not holding out much hope…

“I’ve been struggling to put into words how this year has made me feel.”

When one of my closest and oldest friends said this to me, I couldn’t have related more. This was exactly how I felt this time last year, when things had spiralled, and I hadn’t yet felt able to put my inner turbulence down into words. That same friend is one of the strongest, bravest, and most eloquent people I know, yet I realise now that having gone through a particularly challenging time in their life, expressing how they felt about the experience was as much of a battle as living through it had been. I think it’s often the vulnerability of admitting how we really feel to ourselves, as well as to others, that places that kind of block on being able to find the emotional release we may often crave.

For me personally, I’m a day dreamer, a deliberator, and a massive over-thinker. I can’t help myself, my mind runs away with me and I’m becoming more aware of how often I can appear to have zoned out of my surroundings. This is not necessarily always a bad trait to have, but sometimes can lead to a focus on the kind of negative thoughts I am trying to move away from. In light of this, I’ve recently been reading up on ‘happy’ questions; the things it could be beneficial to ask yourself in order to free your mind of those issues outside of your control and to maintain a more positive outlook. Questions such as ‘what was the best part of your day?’ and ‘what might you do differently tomorrow?’ have become daily musings of mine in an attempt to replace negative thoughts dwelling around what went wrong, things I found upsetting, and just the general worst parts of my day. Everything was going well with this, and I started to find that asking others those questions also initiated more engaging and positive conversations. Small talk alternatives? I’ll take them all. A very good start, that was, until I stumbled across a question which in all honestly completed freaked me out: ‘What do you need to let go of?’. A short and straightforward sounding question, right? Well, not exactly…

I read that question and found myself answering out-loud, without hesitation: ‘so much’. At times, I feel like I hold onto a lot, and not just the big stuff. I’m not just talking heartbreak, loss or grief, I mean the really small things that I probably shouldn’t even remember at this stage in my life. I’m still self-conscious of my teeth after a boy in year 8 laughed at them during a textiles lesson, even after 18 years and a two-year course of expensive orthodontics! Only now, at 30 years old, have I convinced myself to stop measuring the size of my hips with a tape-measure after during my teens an insightful girl told me they were ‘really wide’ when I was rehearsing for a dance show, and there are two crystal clear memories of losing my temper with people as a hormonal teenager that still make me cringe to this day. As someone who makes a conscience effort not to ‘sweat the small stuff’, it seems like I’m carrying around an awful lot that I perhaps shouldn’t be. Don’t get me wrong, having a good memory definitely has its upside, and I also hold onto some pretty special movie moments from throughout the years too.

I hugely associate memories with emotions, and things that made me laugh as a child can still bring happy tears to my eyes now. My sisters and I used to watch the scene in Mrs Doubtfire where she throws the lime over and over again, rewinding the VHS to exactly the right moment. The memory of how funny we found it still gets me now. I love that, but in the same way, sad memories will regularly come back to haunt me, and if I think about something for too long it generates the same emotion I had when the event took place. And no one wants to relive a broken heart. What I’ve been trying to work out whilst overthinking all of this is whether I do just remember things that evoked strong emotions very clearly, or whether I’m holding onto certain things for a reason and therefore preventing myself from fully moving on from them.

Through overwhelming intrigue, and I guess the desire to establish whether these feelings were shared by those around me, I asked six of my closest friends, male and female, the same question: ‘What are you holding onto that you need to let go of?’. I also expanded on this by asking how it made them feel to think about those things, and why they think they might be holding onto them. All of them initially thought they might need some time to think about it first. Some asked for clarification on the type of things I meant, whether it referred to emotional, mental, or physical things, and one simply couldn’t think of anything (spoiler alert: I’m referring to the hubs in the latter and, after racking his brains for a few days, he then simply text me the aubergine emoji).

Whatever the response, all of the answers I received were honest and open, and reading such candid messages gave me all the feels about my incredible friends. Quite simply put, no, I am not alone in this.

“Never being fully true to myself and always making comparisons to others. Ever since school when I was called fat, and having goofy teeth, I have always been up and down with weight obsession, diet, exercise and trying to improve parts of me that I feel are inferior to others. It’s even spread into make-up, clothes, décor in my home, when actually they aren’t things I really care that much about, but I put pressure on myself because otherwise I feel less of a woman, mum, wife. It’s not something I’ve ever been able to let go of, even though when I say it out loud it’s crazy.”

It’s funny how we may think we are ‘crazy’ to feel a certain way, but in sharing such thoughts with others, your bond can become even stronger through the power of relatability, especially having reflected on comments I received at school which led to long-standing insecurities. It seems that everyone has their thing (or multiple things) that they can’t quite seem to shake off, or perhaps that they actually feel they are not quite ready to leave behind.

“My OCD. It used to be a lot worse when I was younger, it’s definitely a dimmed down version now, but it gets worse when I’m anxious. Although now there’s only a couple of night-time rituals mainly based around security, but I’ve put this down to having a busier life and not having the time for it to take over, it’s still there and something I should probably let go of.”

From compulsive behaviour, to sad experiences and loss, to family relationships, to insecurities and body obsessions, to marriage and motherhood, there were so many areas coming out of a few simple questions. I guess when thinking of things that we need to ‘let go’, this will generally always lead us to reflect on times that perhaps brought in more darkness than we would usually admit to others, not least to ourselves.

“When I think about it, it frustrates me because of the impact it has had on me long term… the trust issues it has left me with have had a massive impact on my life…. I think the damaged confidence, lack of trust and low self-esteem they left me with have definitely impacted me badly!”

As adults, we all know that every action has a consequence, that’s just a part of being human. However, when the action was taken by somebody else and therefore falls outside of your control, I think the hurt and pain felt is often accompanied with the frustration as described above. Frustration perhaps at ourselves for being taken by surprise, being hurt, to have had our outlook on life and the choices we’ve made affected by another individual, and also frustration towards that other individual for seemingly not realising or not caring enough to understand the impact their choices would have.

There were also examples shared by friends of events which had to some extent been within their control, events which occurred due to decisions that they did not necessarily want to make, or even couldn’t make, for fear of the emotional repercussions.

“I’m not strong enough to upset people when it’s what I want, I would rather just keep others happy.”

“Sometimes I’ve wanted there to be a connection or an excuse to contact them. Even though I haven’t doubted my decision, I think there’s a part of me that still wants to be wanted by them.”

Decisions which have impacted on another’s life as well as our own can seem to weigh particularly heavy on our hearts and minds due to the guilt we carry around afterwards. Breaking away from someone who perhaps didn’t encourage you to be the best version of yourself, or didn’t treat you in the way you truly deserve, is a decision I know from experience is never easy to make. That seems to become even more difficult when the of time spent being close to that individual holds links to a significant proportion of your life, and no matter how much that relationship needed to change or end to make way for you own happiness, at the centre of all the emotional pain lies a bond which you can’t help but feel guilty for breaking.

Guilt appeared as a common theme throughout those issues shared which seemed more difficult to release, not just through breaking away from relationships, but in looking back on the time we gave to those who are no longer in our lives.

“Never truly showing grandparents what they meant to me, and making them feel like it was an effort to spend time with them. Especially the grandparents who died when we were teenagers. I took them for granted and never got the chance to show them how much they meant. It still makes me sad to this day. I hold onto it because I miss them so much and wish they could see me now and be part of our lives now. I’ve always regretted not spending more time with them because those moments were too precious and only existed for a small amount of my life.”

At this point, it’s fair to say I needed to take a break to have a little cry, and then send out some ‘you’re amazing’ messages to my friends, who I think I am quite possibly obsessed with...

Although the types of feelings or memories being held onto massively varied, there was a common theme running throughout their reasons for holding on: self-preservation and control. It seems that our minds reminding us of past experiences that our conscious selves want to tell us to try and forget acts as a method of protection, a barrier to certain emotions, and a reminder not to allow ourselves to go back down the paths that led to pain.

“I think the reason I don’t let it go is purely self-preservation. When I go out with people they always tell me ‘I’m very hard to read’. I can’t really reply with ‘that’s because I don’t trust you’, but it’s what I’m thinking. I’m sure when I meet the right person I’ll finally be able to ‘let it go’!”

“I think the reason behind not letting it go is a feeling of being in control! I feel nervous about the thought of not doing them because it worries me bad things may happen, so I’d rather just keep it as it makes me feel safer. Therefore, I’m probably not willing to let it go!”

“I haven’t felt like I’ve been able to fully let go for fear of feeling even worse than I already have.”

These statements stirred a thought process in me about whether a lot of the over-thinking I have talked about has come from trying to figure out how I can avoid certain feelings or emotions. Although I do feel that I have come a long way in breaking down some of those emotional barriers in the exploration of a more mindful and open approach, I can appreciate now that there is still much progress to be made. In trying to adopt a more mindful outlook, I thought I needed to rid myself of memories and feelings associated with negativity, sadness and pain.

However, I’m now starting to realise is that is not the purpose of being mindful. The fact that I’ve given so much time to identifying what I hold onto, the reasons why, and then working through how this makes me feel, in itself shows me that I’m more in touch with my own mind and emotions now that I ever was previously. I can be mindful that those memories and feelings are there, and mindful not to let them consume my day to day thoughts and behaviour, but I also now recognise that those past experiences form part of me. A broken heart, loss of grandparents, falling out with friends, the feelings experienced through postnatal depression, all of those things form part of who I am. They may shape my opinions on certain areas of life, they may at times overwhelm me with emotion if I’m tired or just having a bit of a low day, but they are also reminders of my own inner strength. The irony in how much time I’ve spent seemingly over-thinking the fact that I over-think things is definitely not lost on me, but this process has helped me to understand and even appreciate why I don’t allow myself to let certain memories go.

It has also opened my eyes to the realisation that I am most certainly not alone in this. Having friends around me who are so open and willing to share the inner-thoughts that make them feel most vulnerable, and stir some of the rawest of emotions, makes me feel so incredibly grateful and proud. In fact, in amongst the many reasons why these people are such huge and important parts of my life, the fact that we really can talk to each other about absolutely anything comes shining through time and time again.

So, here’s to friendship, to love, the overthinkers, the dream-chasers, the broken-hearts, and the pursuit of happiness. Here’s to those who worry too much, or feel they don’t worry enough. Here’s to those that are working to let things go, and to those who just don’t ever feel the need to think about those things at all. Here’s to those who support each other’s journey’s no matter what, and hold each other up when we doubt our own decisions. Here’s to this blog for giving me a safe space to try and ‘let things go’, and to my husband, for reminding me that sometimes the simplicity of his life motto ‘it is what it is’ really is exactly what I need to hear to encourage me to momentarily switch off.

S x