So, what's next then?

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There's something about questions surrounding your plans to have a family that always makes them seem utterly coated in judgement. Even when they are completely innocent questions, (which I do genuinely think they often are), there's just something about being asked why you don't have children, why you only have one child, if you plan to have more, if you still work, if your child does long days at Nursery.... questions that put me so on edge and make me feel like I have to overly justify decisions which are actually very personal to the hubs and I. I'm sure this feeling is shared by a lot of others too, particularly in circumstances where there might be very significant (and maybe very private) life events that have impacted upon the life we now lead.

I remember still being in hospital after having Mils when a midwife asked me whether the birth had 'put me off' having another baby. There I was, completely traumatised, feeling terrified with a newborn who had pneumonia, and I was being asked about my next baby. It’s something we tend to do as a society isn’t it; always looking ahead, moving onto the next big thing, rushing around and often forgetting to take in those precious moments in the present. Without thinking about my answer at all I told her of course it hadn’t; that we’d definitely be having more children. I don’t know why. I think I always pictured myself with more than one child, to expand our family and make sure our children grew up with siblings to play with. I had programmed myself to want more without ever having experienced having even one child. There I was, unaware of the utter turmoil about to play out over the next few months, declaring that I would most definitely be back in that hospital in the near future for baby number two whilst completely clueless to what that might entail.

That midwife was the first of so many people to have asked a similar question. Only now, people tend to ask in some knowledge of the events that unfolded after I had Mils, including the depression, which I completely get is down to me sharing that part of my journey. That was and is part of my ongoing recovery and something I feel strongly that Ihave needed to do. It's just, now I often feel that people view that whole period of time as something I would rather forget. But I wouldn’t. If anything, I want to remember more. Yes I would love to erase the flashbacks, the haunting visions that still wake me in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, memories from those first few weeks of desperately trying to feed my baby to soothe her while I was literally turning the bathroom a horror movie shade of red...those are all obviously things I’d happily let go. I want to replace them with more memories of cuddles with my newborn, of bonding time that held gravitas that I didn’t quite grasp at first. I wish the weeks hadn’t passed by in such a blur, and that I could've held onto more special moments than I’ve been able to, but nothing about bringing Emilia into this world could ever ‘put me off’ having another child, because she is the most precious and beautiful thing in my life. I feel offended when my first year of motherhood is viewed negatively by anyone else. Yes, I struggled, and yes, parts of it were just damn right horrendous, but that was my journey. I’ve worked so hard to shake the feeling that I wasn’t doing a good enough job but, (while that has been exhausting), the last few years have also hands down brought me some of the best times of my life, and I would never want Emilia to grow up thinking anything different. Seeing her smile for the first time, hearing her precious laugh, watching her dart across the wooden floor at high speed in her walker like a crazed spider-child, cheering as she took her first steps, hearing her speaking her first word (which happened to be ‘cat’), practising daily dance routines together in the living room, and everything else in between...I’d go through all of it again if it meant we’d get to have another one of her. Now we just need to decide whether we want to 'try'.

One thing I am absolutely certain on is that bringing a second child into the world is something that we should only do if and when it feels right for us. Through nothing but love and a genuine complete desire to expand our little family for reasons that make sense; not because it’s what anyone else expects or because it’s what others are doing. And I would never want to see trying for another baby to be an attempt at some form of second chance, because that would be feeding into the demons that tried to convince me I’d done something wrong first time around. Likewise, I’m adamant that I won’t let fear be a reason not to try for another. I don’t want to feel scared about what might happen; I want Dan and I to make the decision and feel excited about it, and most of all I want to wait until Dan feels confident that he doesn’t need to worry about me quite so much now. So, I guess that is a lot to think about! And that’s just in relation to making a decision about whether to try; whether we are then lucky enough to be blessed with another little person is still to be seen!

Feeling how I do now, I finally know what my answer would be to those first questions about having another baby so soon after Mils made her grand entrance, and it's really very simple so I don't know why it was so hard for me to say... ‘maybe one day, if it's right for us’. Right now our lives have changed in the best way, but also more than we could have ever anticipated, and three is most definitely going to be our magic number for a little while.

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So I guess this is my round-about way of saying to hell with the expectations placed upon us... placed upon anybody in society who gets to a certain age and somehow then becomes fair game for intrusive questions about massive life choices. I have never put so much value on taking my time and allowing myself breathing space than I do now, and that feels pretty bloody great.

I recently listened to an episode of Giovanna Fletcher's Podcast with Susie Verrill as the guest (literally a match made in heaven), and Susie talked about looking back on herself as a first time brand new mum and 'feeling sorry' for that person. I actually shouted YES in agreement when she said it, as that is exactly how I feel. I had no clue what I was doing, that period of time was so lonely, and then I felt judged by everything people asked me, and we all know what happened from there... It makes me sad that I felt I couldn't speak up and say it at the time, but if you ever find yourself looking to start up a conversation with a new mum, please please just start by offering her a cup of tea and asking how she’s feeling, it will mean more than you might ever realise...

S x