Light during lockdown

Oh, hi COVID-19... we weren't expecting you...

We’re a little over three weeks into UK lockdown now and, dare I say it, for the most part I feel mentally really healthy. I’m missing our tribe so much, worrying about relatives living alone (thank goodness for FaceTime), but I feel surprisingly content at the same time. Surprising because it’s a conflict I wasn’t really expecting. At the start of social distancing, as the schools were closing and we all knew lockdown was imminent, I could feel the niggling knot of anxiety growing in my stomach. I wrote some thoughts down, went to create a post, and then squirrelled them away because it all felt too much. I also felt in no position to share how I was feeling with others, only to then avoid engaging in conversations about the uncertainty of these times... “These are unchartered waters; we’re not expected to know how to feel, or the ways we’ll cope. I’m currently in the realms of fear of the unknown, excitement for uninterrupted family time, worry over how the hell I’ll keep the kids well and entertained, and hope that Mils will look back on this time fondly. It’s very confusing. I’m anxious. Nervous and somewhat inappropriate laughter is helping me to deal with that, as is exercise, music, cuddles, buying too many craft supplies, and the idea that I might eventually get around to painting the kitchen. Let’s be kind to ourselves, and be kind to each other. Find what feels good, stay safe, wash those hands, and keep doing you." Firstly, when the hell did I think I’d have time to paint the kitchen?! Idiot. Secondly, the advice I was giving myself was sound, but it’s taken a few weeks and a little trial and error to realise I was putting far too much pressure on myself, and to start finding my way through this new (albeit temporary, it’s only temporary, keep breathing) 'normal'. A classic case of knowing what to say, knowing what I should do, but having absolutely no idea how to get myself there. I think my biggest worry was centred around Mils and how she would cope, wanting her to enjoy herself as much as she could despite being distanced from our family and her school friends. As it turns out, just over three weeks in, we’re kinda having the best time together. I’ve relaxed the homeschooling and we now only do school work when she’s in the right mood for it. I’m her mummy over anything else, and am constantly learning how to read and respond to her needs. Other than a little school work, she’s all about imaginary play and art. It’s bloody exhausting. There is absolutely no way around that. There’s a constant need from her for me to be giving her my full attention when that just simply isn’t possible with Dougie here too, but we’re navigating around it and finding our new routine. We’ve started sitting down together every afternoon for a tea, treat and chat break and it’s one of my favourite times of the day. I’ll really miss that when she’s back at school. I feel so grateful for the million moments of loveliness we are able to share while the world around us is all so strange. We’re the lucky ones here. We’re being asked to stay home in a bubble of safety, knowing not everyone will be so fortunate. It wouldn’t be good for any of us if I let the positives in this situation pass us by. Let’s all remember though that this isn’t a competition. Life is far from ‘insta-perfect’, and obviously those lovely times are very evenly balanced with some regular Milsy outbursts of ‘everyone’s annoying me’ (she probably gets that from me to be fair), 'I can see that mummy, I do have eyes’, ‘you’re not my friend’, and (a new personal favourite) calling her baby brother ‘a coronavirus’.

Some days I pop upstairs for a little cry, or stand in the kitchen trying to shove as much chocolate in my face as I can before being caught. Some days I go into the garden to have a sweary moment, pining for our wider family, and feeling huge pangs of jealously when the hubs shuts the kitchen door to work in peace. Some days I long to go and exercise alone, without having to answer another effing question. Some days are just crap, and all of that is ok. But for the most part, there’s a lot to love about this once in a lifetime bubble we’re currently living in.

Doing things our own way has never been so easy. We have very little external pressure, no plans to fulfill or anyone else to please. We stay in touch with our nearest, checking in with each other most days, and those relationships somehow feel stronger because of the distance. Mils loves our daily walk, has the freedom to create all day, and has struck up a gorgeous little ‘over the fence’ friendship with the girl next door. Dougie changes every day, is obsessed with having his sister here, and has realised how much he loves food. Dan can finish work and immediately join us in the garden (note, we’re driving him as crazy as it makes me when I hear him commenting about being in the house with screaming children), but he’s having more time with the kids than he would ever usually get - he doesn’t have to miss things now, and I may be knackered, but I’ve just never been more confident that I’m a bloody good mum, doing all that I can. And that’s kind of everything to me.

Woods

Lockdown walk

IMG_4098

I should probably point out that my current levels of positivity may be fuelled by starting each day off my tits on caffeine, but also in celebrating the good, no matter how small. I've started asking Emilia at bedtime about her highs and lows of each day, and Dan came downstairs after reading her story the other night saying she had asked him what his best part of the day was. I bloody loved that. She also now takes it upon herself to shout ‘family hug’ sporadically throughout the day, at which point we all have to stop and cuddle each other... what with that and her new love of tie dye I feel as though she may be going full hippy on us... but how amazing that she’s a social butterfly embracing a change I thought she’d struggle with endlessly?! Those are the parts I’m choosing to hold on to right now - the things I’ll remember as giving us light in some very cloudy times. It’s always the little things.

So that’s us for now, finding happiness amongst the crazy, content in our bubble for as long as it’s safer to be here... though give me a few more weeks and I’ll probably be found outside my sisters houses, singing ‘We are family’ and crying into a bottle of gin!

Stay as safe as you can everyone.

S x